Scuba Jokes

Diving with no tanks?

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet
below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was,
with no scuba gear on whatsoever. 

The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him
a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute
later, the same guy joined him. 

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof
chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay
under this deep without equipment?" 

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had
written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

Classified Ad. Seeking Diver

Young attractive male seeks female dive buddy for shared
recreation and friendship, must have boat. Please sent photo
of boat.

SSI vs NAUI vs PADI

Three instructors and their students are on board a dive boat
in the middle of the ocean. There is a NAUI instructor, a PADI
instructor, and an SSI instructor. Everything is going fine until
the boat springs a leak and starts to sink. The SSI instructor
says to his students, "Okay, we're in the middle of the ocean,
so we might as well do our deep dive." The NAUI instructor
says to his students, "Okay, we might as well do our
navigation dive, so let's get our compasses out and swim
towards shore." The PADI instructor says to his
students, "Okay, for $25 extra you guys get to do a wreck
dive!"

Whale Operation

How many people does it take to circumcise a whale?

Four skin divers.

Why going diving with your buddy?

My SCUBA instructor always stressed that you should never
go diving alone. If you have equipment problems, your buddy
can help you. If you run out of air, your buddy can help you.
If you meet an aggressive shark, your odds are 50-50
instead of 100%.

Spearfishing Joke

Two divers go spear fishing. They catch a lot of fish and
return to the shore.
The first one says, "I hope you remember the spot where we
caught all those fish."
The other answers, "Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the
boat to mark the spot."
"You idiot!" cries the first, "How do you know we will get the
same boat tomorrow?"

10 years without diving?

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to
himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he
thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he
thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this
gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the man and she says, "How long has it
been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left
sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one,
lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that
good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you had a drink
of whiskey?
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right
sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long
swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the
front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has
it been since you had some REAL fun?"
And the man cries out, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a
set of golf clubs in there, too!"

Is that a shark???

Two divers were checking a new reef when they saw a shark.
The shark circled them, menacingly. One diver took off his
fins and reached inside his BC and pulled out a pair of super-
power fins.
His buddy signaled: What? You can't out swim a shark!
The diver signaled back: I don't have to out swim the shark -
I only have to out swim you!

Diving with your wife.

A few members of a local BSAC club went diving off the
South coast, amongst them was Jim and Wilma, a husband
and wife who always dived together. On the last dive they got
separated, Jim surfaced ok, but his wife was nowhere to be
seen. They initiated a search but after a long day and night, it
was called off and Jim went back home alone and
heartbroken.

The next day the club Diving Officer knocked on Jim's front
door and said "I’m really sorry Jim, but I’ve got some bad
news, some good news and some very good news",

Fearing the worst Jim said "Give it to me straight, what’s the
bad news?"

"Well we’ve found your wife’s body" came the solemn reply,

"Oh my God" wept Jim…… after a while he said "well, what’s
the good news?"

The dive officer excitedly said "You wouldn’t believe it, when
we brought her up, we got 2 large crabs and 3 huge
lobsters!!!"

After some time Jim said "what’s the very good new then?"

The dive officer said "Well, we’re going to bring her up again
tomorrow morning!"

How To Fail Your Open Water Test???? 

a. Tell your instructor you will race him to the surface.
b. Lie face down and motionless while holding your breath.
c. Loudly proclaim that safety stops are for "wossies".
d. Show up with a set of tables based on your own
algorithm "that's WAY better".
e. Spit in your wetsuit and pee in your mask.
f. Ask your instructor, which fin goes on which foot.
g. Tell your instructor there is no way you can lift a cylinder
with 2000 pounds of air in it.
h. When asked for your dive plan, you hand over a bundle of
travel brochures.

How Do You Know Your Buddy Is Suffering From 'narcs' 

a. He keeps staring at himself in your mask.
b. You find him buddy breathing with a shark.
c. He pees in his dry suit.
d. His mask fogs under water and he spits in it.
e. Your mask fogs and he spits in it.
f. He looks at you cross-eyed and slurs his bubbles

What Not To Say On A Dive Boat 

a. "Can I keep this coral your anchor broke off?"
b. "Buddy? Oh, did I go down with a buddy?"
c. "Can someone lend me a computer, mine keeps
flashing 'DECO VIOLATION'?"
d. "Does anyone else smell smoke?"
e. "What do I do with this bucket of vomit?"
f. "Is that your mask under my tank?"

When Do You Need To Practice Better Buoyancy Control? 

a. You rely on the silt trail you always stir up to find the shot
line at the end of the dive.
b. You insist that you never wear fins because it makes it
more difficult to walk on the bottom.
c. The only place you can hover is at the surface.
d. On ascents, your entire body clears the surface of the
water.
e. You use 50 bar for breathing and 150 bar for your BC.
f. You are certain you went for one dive, but your computer
has logged three.
g. You think being neutral in the water means that you don't
fight with
your buddy.

How Good Is Your Instructor?

You know more than your instructor when: -
a. You have to lend him a weight so he can get under.
b. He keeps calling his scuba cylinder an 'oxygen tank'.
c. He fills out a dive log entry for every pool session.
d. He is a victim in your rescue course, and he isn't playing.
e. His new dive computer is a Palm Pilot.
f. You ask him about nitrox and he says he doesn't watch
wrestling.
g. If you get hiccups underwater he tells you to hold your
breath.
h. He tells you not to worry about your gauges, "YOU'LL
KNOW WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF AIR!!"
i. He tells you to wear gloves so that the coral won't cut you
as you drag yourself over the reef.
j. He tells you to use all your air underwater - "waste not -
want not".

Do You Know Your Buddy? 

Does your buddy hate you if: -
a. He gives you the "wait here" sign and you are still on the
boat?
b. He "forgets" to close your dry suit zipper?
c. When you give him the out of air signal, he passes you his
snorkel?
d. When you indicate you are low on air, he writes on his
slate "I'll get you some" and swims off?
e. You give him the "OK" signal and he gives you the finger?
f. He spits in your mask for you, but you haven't taken it off
yet?

Is your buddy experienced if: - 

a. He asks, "which one of these thingies goes in my mouth"?
b. He offers to carry everyone's gear to the boat?
c. He thinks BC is a comic strip about cavemen?
d. He's upset when you tell him his dive computer doesn't run
windows '98
e. He pees in his wetsuit BEFORE he gets in the water?
f. He argues that NITROX was a monster who battles Godzilla?
g. He says "Oh, I just wait 'til I get that "tingling feeling", then
I know
it's time to surface"?